I know I haven’t posted in a long time. Everytime I do I say: “Sorry! I know it’s been a while, but I promise I’ll post more!” and I never keep the promise. I’ve been going through a lot of personal struggles, and honestly posting on my blog has been the last thing on my mind…
I take that back…actually it’s been on my mind a lot. My anxiety floods my thoughts & says: you need to post, you need to take these photos, look this way, sound like this, and get people to like you & your blog. I’ve completely lost myself and what I wanted this space to be about when I first created it one year ago. This was supposed to be a place where I was unapologetically myself…where I was genuine & finally did something that made ME happy. It wasn’t for anyone else. It quickly has become what I didn’t want it to be. I was in a different place last year. Not really a good one, but I was improving & starting to feel like myself. It took a huge leap of faith for me to create this blog & put it out in the open…and anyone who has struggled with mental health knows that it doesn’t go away. So I’m here a year later still struggling & letting my anxiety take over my life.
My reality right now is living at home, working to earn money so I can pursue a huge goal of mine & when I’m not working…I’m laying in my bed on my laptop, wearing sweats, eating cheez – it’s, and struggling with depression.
I’m not saying this to get attention & make people feel sorry for me. I’m not ashamed of struggling with mental illness; but it’s not something I like to showcase either because most people don’t understand & I feel in society “I feel depressed” “I’m anxious” are common phrases, so even when you clinically have those problems…you are dismissed because it’s seen as being dramatic. I know I’m guilty of probably saying that, but until it happens to you…you don’t realize how serious depression and anxiety are. It has ruined my life & who I am.
This post isn’t about that though. It’s about being real & telling you how I want to change things here on my blog. When I look through my blog I don’t like it. I feel like it’s slowly become this thing where I’m trying super hard & writing about shit that is simply trivial. I want it to be real & meaningful. Most days I don’t want to put on a “cute outfit” and take candid photos, spend an hour making a flat lay, or go out of my way to make the whole day “cool” & “blog worthy”. That is a reality for some people, but it’s currently not mine. Sure that would be nice! I’m not trying to put down other bloggers, because I do respect and admire them. It takes a lot of work and effort to run a full time blog and someday it would be amazing to have those opportunities, but my blog cannot be that right now. I reiterate this (mainly for myself) but to express that nuuna will be a different kind of blog from here on out.
I like other bloggers because of their personality. I admire their style, photography ability, and taste…but honestly I really don’t care about outfit posts. I would much rather see into their REAL life and read about that. I’ve dreamt about having a super successful blog, but I feel that to get there I’ve thought, oh okay I’ve got to do outfit posts, have this certain image, & do what everyone else does while also not? Maybe I’ll attain that dream someday, but I know that won’t happen by putting stuff on this blog that I simply don’t care about. I would love to have opportunities to travel, write, live my life experiencing all that I can, and to make a difference. Sharing what I wear isn’t going to do that. Don’t get me wrong; I love fashion. I love shopping & everything to do with clothes, but I would mainly rather write about something that is significant. I want to show who I am & connect with people on a deeper level. I want to be honest & share my experiences and things I care about…like mental health. I can’t be fake anymore. That’s why I haven’t posted…because I haven’t had anything to write about.
I turned 21 a couple weeks ago, and I’m really excited for obvious reasons…but I see it as another fresh start. I’m constantly pushing myself to get better and be who I really am. Its very difficult for me to be confident and like who I am. So I decided it was time to write what I felt & make some changes on my blog. I also want to clarify that I haven’t been fake on here at all. That is not what I mean…it is my life & I like the stuff I’m wearing, doing, etc. I just feel like I’ve put this pressure on myself to try & when I compare my content to others my blog has become something embarrassing and negative to me, rather than something I’m proud of. I’m always at a battle with myself due to my anxiety & my general personality. As I continue the process of working on myself to grow & be the person I want to be…I knew I wanted to “bring” my blog with me & share these thoughts.
I know this has been lengthy, but thank you to those of you who took the time to read it. I’m hoping this burst of inspiration keeps going & I’m able to post more about the real stuff I really care about & transform this space into something I’m proud of. Here’s to the start of being real.
(image via pinterest)